Why is toilet paper so hard to find all of a sudden? Who cares. While everyone else is wiping their ass with paper wads like a bunch of savages, you can enjoy a squeaky clean fart-box and even save some trees in the process!
During this global pandemic many items have become difficult, if not impossible, to find and a lot of them make sense: N95 masks, Hand sanitizer, Nitrile Gloves. These items are a necessity for our well being and it’s logical that a rush to procure them by the vast majority of our population would limit their quantities. But one item in particular absolutely baffles me as to why it is so hard to come by: toilet paper.
Seriously? Toilet paper? This virus does nasty things to our bodies, but I’m pretty sure making us shit our brains out isn’t one of them – yet toilet paper isles across the world are bare. You are MORE likely to find hand sanitizer right now than you are toilet paper. That’s just crazy to me.
Enter the Bidet – a neat little invention that is widely used all over the world, but somehow has managed to terrify the entire continent of North America.
Luckily for me, a few months before this pandemic kicked into high gear I saw a YouTube video of these two dudes trying a bidet for the first time. Here’s the video for a bit of reference:
Prior to watching this video, I already had a problem with T.P. – It just kind of smears everything around down there, especially if you’ve had a particularly “epic” session. The sheer amount of paper needed for a proper clean-up made it raw, took forever, and was generally just an unpleasant experience. By the time I saw this video I had started using those disposable wipes, and while they do make cleaning up easier, I was curious if a bidet was a better alternative. I thought the video was hilarious anyhow so I did some research, hopped on Amazon and purchased this bidet
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Shortly after it arrived I installed it onto the downstairs toilet and took it for a spin. I will say, the first time using it was… weird. Until you try a bidet, you really have no idea what to expect, but I will say it feels exactly like you think it would – a stream of water being sprayed onto your stink star. After the deed was done, I used a couple of squares of paper to see how effective it was. Lo and behold! Squeaky clean. Surprisingly clean. I would even dare to say – refreshing! I ran out of the bathroom and exclaimed to the entire family that they had to try it. Sadly, no one else shared my enthusiasm. They looked at me like I was some kind of mad man but I didn’t care – my ass was clean and it felt great!
I think the biggest hang-up most guys have with a bidet is they somehow correlate spraying water down there with being “gay” or “wimpy girly men.” I assure you fellas, cleaning the ole’ grundle with a stream of water will not suddenly make you attracted to men (unless that was already your proclivity, to which this might actually improve “relations” if you catch my drift) and you’ll still be able to open the mayonnaise jar for wifey.
A bidet not only cleans your smashed spider (I had way too much fun looking up funny names for an anus) thoroughly, but it’s also WAY better for the environment. I’m not going to turn this into some geopolitical movement post, but just read this article for some perspective.
Basically, Americans “wipe” out about 270,000 trees PER DAY to support this irrational addiction to wiping their asses with paper. “But what about all the water you’re using to squirt poo off your bum?” I had the same question. But as it turns out, the amount of energy it takes to turn trees into toilet paper is staggering. 17.3 terawatts, 473,587,500,000 gallons of water, and 253,000 tons of chlorine is what it takes, annually, to manufacture all the T.P. used across the globe. You don’t have to be a tree hugger to see how messed up that is.
TLDR: Clean poop chutes are awesome and the best way to get one is to use a bidet. Yes, it’s weird the first couple of times, but the effectiveness cannot be denied. Using a bidet does not make you less “manly.” We’re ravaging natural resources to make T.P. – Save the day, use a bidet!
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